You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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