My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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