Nicole vs. Life
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize