I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
