Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize