do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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