they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
