Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
