It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
