My friends, they love my intelligence
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
