Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
