Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
