It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
