Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Randomize
