I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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