i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
