Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We just shotgunned beers for America
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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