Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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