My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
