You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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