i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
