im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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