ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
