you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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