This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My cat gives me a boner
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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