shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
