Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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