This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
