Someone shit on the floor
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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