Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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