I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
