we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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