I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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