His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
