Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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