You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
