R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
