I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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