god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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