Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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