My underwear smells like fireworks.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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