she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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