i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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