Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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