it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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