I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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