Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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