Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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