i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
