apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
