Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
