she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
