I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
