Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
