Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
