I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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