I could make wine with my vomit
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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