I think scott just propositioned me for sex
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
