The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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