my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The uberlube is also flammable
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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